The Paly Voice received this tongue-and-cheek article as a follow-up to yesterday’s article about the upcoming Paly intrasquad swim meet this Saturday.
Beginning this weekend’s annual Green and White competition, Men’s captain Alec Goldfield won the coin toss for first pick in tomorrow’s team draft. Though critics are already contending that foul play was involved, Goldfield capitalized on his good fortune by choosing junior Edward Morrison as the first member of his team.
"Hey, you can never sink too low to rig a coin toss," Goldfield explained, "and now I got my first choice."
Today’s announcement comes just days after rumors began circulating amongst select circles that the international sports network, ESPN, may be planning to attend this Saturday’s meet. Both are just reminders of the degree to which this weekend’s display of athleticism, and what some are calling the finest measure of human achievement, will be an event few will want to miss.
Commenting on his excitement over what is turning out to be an awesome competition, Goldfield elaborated by saying,"I really like to swim, and I am really excited about this weekend and all the fun stuff that we will be doing!"
Goldfield, however, was not excited when an INS officer appeared at practice to investigate the validity of Morrison’s move from Brazil to the US.
Unfazed by the controversy, Coach Danny Dye also explained his unabated enthusiasm over the coming meet by saying, "the transpired events are only the beginning of a rousing day of fun and good sportsmanship."
Again, one must note Dye’s lack of experience with the annual competition and that his comments, while arguably ignorant, are only a result of his innocence to the barbaric events that have defined the meet for years.
Also announced yesterday was an expected line-up with freshman Michael Fortune (6’1", 195 lbs.) swimming the 50-yard freestyle and sophomores Leland Takamine and Tyler Thompson squaring off against Morrison in the 100-yard breaststroke.
"I’m going to dominate," Fortune said as he hugged his favorite teddy bear, Mr. Winkles. "Everyone else is going to be destroyed."
Though Fortune is unchallenged for the time being, the 100-yard breaststroke is receiving attention as perhaps the closest contention of the competition.
"It’s going to be quite a match-up," JV coaches John Barnea and Aileen Deleeny said in unison. Both recently returned from surfing trips in which they posed with boards but decided against entering the water upon the request of a lifeguard who cautioned against further embarrassment. Neither can swim.
Morrison, Takamine, and Thompson are all expected to shatter their best 100 breaststroke times of two minutes by at least 3 seconds this weekend. Dye commented that he had seen corn grow faster while attending college in Iowa.
"They may be slow as heck, but gee golly wiz, I’m still really stoked!" Dye said.
In fact, such can be said of the meet as a whole, which takes place this Saturday at about 10 a.m. on the deck of the Paly pool.
Correction:
A story printed yesterday claimed that Harvard had been ranked above Princeton in this year’s US News and World Report. In actuality both universities were tied for first. The line meant to say that Princeton, while preppy, elitist, and inferior to Harvard in many respects, is a fine university, except in men’s basketball in which the Princeton team suffered an embarrassing loss to Harvard University last week.