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The Student News Site of Palo Alto High School

The Paly Voice

The Student News Site of Palo Alto High School

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The forgotten victims of addiction

Megan’s [name changed] boyfriend was out of control. The 18-year-old alcoholic and cocaine addict was constantly drunk, high, or both. Megan, a student at a Menlo Park high school, was frightened and confused. She was concerned for her loved one’s health, but was afraid of his reaction if she confronted him about his problem. She was terrified by his nosebleeds, which occurred almost daily and sometimes did not stop for hours. Eventually, she began pretending that there was no problem, which only made her more depressed and did nothing to help her boyfriend.

Eventually, Megan became involved with Al-Anon, an organization dedicated to counseling and helping family members of alcoholics. At the organization’s Menlo Park office, she joined a support group of others with loved ones suffering from addiction. Her experience helped her to realize that addiction can be equally, if not more harmful to the users close acquaintances, especially family members, than to the user himself. She received support and learned how to best deal with her boyfriend’s problems. The end of the story is a happy one: Megan and her boyfriend are now happily married with several children. Megan works as an Al-anon volunteer; counseling and sharing her experience with family members of alcoholics and drug addicts.

Alcohol and drug abuse is extremely harmful to the individual. But, less obviously, substance abuse may be equally, if not more devastating to the user’s family. Substance abuse may burden family members cause family members to feel depressed, guilty, lonely, and insecure. Families of addicts often blame themselves or deny the problem, ultimately worsening it. This may result in harmful reproductions, especially for young family members. Here are some examples of the major ways in which addiction affects the entire family, and some expert advice about how to deal with these issues…

Families often blame themselves for their loved one’s behavior. Promises, an organization that helps families to recover from substance abuse related issues, has posted several articles on its website, which aim to assist users and their families. One article explains the affect addiction can have on the alcoholic’s family: “The family unit is often forced to adjust to the dramatic mood changes and behaviors of the alcoholic or addict, and can just as often blame themselves for those behaviors. The family is not at fault, however it is natural for them to feel that way… It is common for family members to live in a state of fear that the alcoholic’s behavior may lead to the destruction of the family unit. The endless cycle can me marked by infidelity, financial insecurity, violence, disappointment and embarrassment, deception, isolation, and general feelings of hopeless, despair, and anger. The affects of alcoholism and addiction can be devastating to the family, however, ironically family members can be the last to openly admit that there is a problem.”

Dr. Amy Crow, a therapist who has worked with several patients indirectly affected by addiction because of a family member’s problem, agrees. “Family members can be almost as touched by the disease as the alcoholic of drug addict himself,” she says. According to Crowe, spouses or children of addicts are likely to become depressed and insecure.

But when family members ignore or deny the user’s problem, as Megan attempted to do, they are unknowingly worsening the situation. Al-Anon’s webpage contains an archive of information concerning alcoholism. According to a portion of this archive explaining the mentality of an alcoholic’s wife, “the last thing that would occur to [the wife] is to pick up the telephone and get help. She has slowly been drawn into the thinking that the alcoholic should be protected. She has learned to cover for him, lie for him and hide the truth. She has learned to keep secrets, no matter how bad the chaos and insanity all around her has become.”

The article explains that “few who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism realize that by ‘protecting’ the alcoholic with little lies and deceptions to the outside world, which have slowly but surely increased in size and dimension, she has actually created a situation that makes it easier for him to continue, and progress, in his downward spiral. Rather than help the alcoholic, and herself, she has actually enabled him to get worse. The disease will continue to progress for the alcoholic until he is ready to reach out and get help for himself. Waiting for that to happen is not her only choice.” Megan agrees that ignoring her boyfriend’s problem was not the solution. After his recovery, she recalls him asking her, “why didn’t you say anything to me.”

She advises other family members of alcoholics to do something about their loved one’s disease. “I would advise them to check out and Al-anon support group she says. They should also read as much as possible about the topic–there are many books and pamphlets out there.”

According to Dr. Crow, family members are likely to cover-up for the addict or inadvertently allow his destructive behavior to continue. “The medical term for this behavior is “enabling,” she says. Crow illustrates enabling behavior using the hypothetical situation of a father and husband affected by alcoholism. “If the husband begins to drink a few beers after dinner, the wife might tell the children to leave the room,” Crow says. “This is enabling his behavior by excusing him from his duties as a father and husband.”

Megan believes that an addiction in the family has an especially harmful effect on children and teens. “Adolescents are particularly affected by their parents alcohol or drug abuse. Unlike a spouse, there is nowhere for them to go. They just have to tough it out.” Megan recommends that a teen in such a situation should look into Alateen support groups. Alateen is sponsored by Alanon and provides teenagers with peer support and a place to talk out their problems. “If it is impossible for a teen to get involved in a group session,” said Megan, “there are councilors that they can talk to by calling the Alateen support line.” (The number for the Menlo Park Alateen support line is in the phone book.)

Thus, family members are more affected by addiction than one might suppose. Families of addicts may blame themselves for their loved one’s disease, resulting in depression or feelings of insecurity. In addition, when families deny the problem (according to Megan, a very common reaction), they may be worsening the situation. And finally, children and teens are especially vulnerable to the harmful effects of addiction.

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