With our President’s newfound zeal for war and the US’s rich history of foreign interference, I thought it would be appropriate to go over the reasons why war isn’t always bad.

If you go back and really think about it, all of our allies were once our enemies, except for France, but their national bird is a rooster, so they don’t count.

So, as I was saying, all our ex-enemies are now our allies. Every country that has been on the receiving end of a thorough, Texas-style heiny whoopin’, has sat down, realized its error, apologized, and become our friend. A great example is Great Britain. They wouldn’t give us independence, so we kicked their butt, and look at them now. Tony Blair is practically sleeping with Bush. At least that’s what I extrapolated from watching The Patriot last night.
So this all leads to the conclusion that war makes friends, right? To continue that logic, we have to bully, beat up, and thoroughly ransack the rest of the world until they start loving us.

So now I present to you my Top 10 reasons to invade Iraq:

10. For oil, ‘nuff said.

9. Because Pappy Bush wants his son to become a man.

8. If we take over Iran and Iraq, we’ll have a monopoly, like Boardwalk and Park Place, except with oil. Then we can build a hotel and charge the terrorists that they harbor there. Ooh, and we could set up a utility and a …

7. Because we can. What’s the point of having the title of Commander-in-Chief if you never get to use it.

6. Rummy’s been itchin’ in his sneakers to do something other than correct his-self, oops, I meant himself. For example, he said this concerning Saddam, "…how can we trust someone who never – almost never – rarely – tells the truth?"

5. Colin looks better in fatigues.

4. We’d get to pick a new member to add to the Axis of Evil, to replace Iraq. "Yes, you have to Qatar, you didn’t sit down when the music stopped…and no, you can’t share a seat with Syria."

3. Because we must spread Christianity, er, I mean tax cuts. Yeah, that’s it.

2. What’s the point of having a tax break on your new, neon yellow H2 if you can’t buy gas for less than a dollar per gallon – in Hawaii?

1. Because they messed with Texas. Will Ferell told them not to, but did they listen? No.

Well, that’s the end of the lecture. I hope it has squelched your inner hippy, and stopped you from doubting the morality of our president and his elderly henchmen’s plans to invade Iraq.