An artist’s rendition of the Seagull at Palo Alto High School.

– Alex Carter

Editor’s Note: The opinions and attitudes expressed by the author are those of the author and not necessarily of the publication’s editorial board. This segment is part of a series of opinions by Alex Carter entitled “Danger Zone.” There may not be any real or imminent danger, nor is clicking on this story necessarily going to result in some harm to you or your computer. However, a hardhat and safety goggles are recommended.

I am scared, and you should be too. The Seagulls are amassing, readying their feathery, squawking armies for the final battle.

It seems to me that the Seagulls, fixtures of the Paly quad at lunchtime, have been arriving in ever-greater numbers, and they are growing bolder. In the past two weeks alone I have noticed two successful Seagull dive-bombing raids. You know what I mean. They don’t just eat our leftover lunches anymore; they are actively defecating upon Paly students.

A Seagull perpetrates the first bird attack in Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”. This alone is reason to believe that Seagulls are awful and scary. After all, Hitchcock has made me scared of a lot of things, like trains, my neighbors and black and white movies. “The Birds” was also set in Northern California. We also live in Northern California… Oh my God.

It has also been scientifically proven that Seagulls are scary and violent. According to Wikipedia, “Gulls are typically medium to large” (emphasis added by me to emphasize that Seagulls are big, and therefore extra scary). They are also “Resourceful, inquisitive and intelligent birds, demonstrating complex methods of communication and a highly developed social structure.” Sweet Jesus, they’re learning. They sometimes mob potential predators (us) and can use tools. They have been observed preying on live whales.

Look, I know there will certainly be skeptics out there. Some of you have read this far (doubtful) and are presently thinking to yourselves, “No way, man, I have seen those birds out there for years and they’ve never attacked me.” This may be true, but a far more likely explanation is that these birds are biding their time, luring us into a false sense of security so that, one day, they can crap all over us and then eat us. 

By the time the birds have eaten some scared, sad little freshman, it will have been too late. We must act now. I don’t think killing them is a viable, legal or socially acceptable option, even though those rats with wings are totally deserving. Instead, I am putting out the call to all Paly students to keep their lunches under lock and key. Instead of leaving your tasty cardboard bits out on the quad, dump that trash (a) in a real garbage bin or (b) on Gunn’s quad. That should solve the problem.

If our Seagull problem persists, I just hope that I am safely out of the country by May 18, a.k.a. Endangered Species Day, a.k.a. The Day The Seagulls Take Revenge On Humanity For The Dodo Bird.