Editor’s Note: The opinions and attitudes expressed by the author are those of the author and not necessarily of the publication’s editorial board. This segment is part of a series of opinions by Alex Carter entitled “Danger Zone.” There may not be any real or imminent danger, nor is clicking on this story necessarily going to result in some harm to you or your computer. However, a hardhat and safety goggles are recommended.

“I have plenty of women, I have plenty of weapons.” So speaks the brutal King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) in the movie Immortals. He also says something about turning stones, but it’s really the visual effects – primarily the weapons and a few women – that make Immortals awesome, if that’s what you’re into.

Immortals focuses on a budding warrior named Theseus (Henry Cavill), who is on a mission to take revenge against King Hyperion. Hyperion leads a horde of brutes called the Heraklians, who, like Hyperion himself, are very mad at the world, and plan to prove it by releasing a bunch of titans and destroying humanity.

Visually, the movie could not get much better. The green screening is extremely well done. The way that the various landscapes, the surreal realm of the gods, the dirty, desperate battles and the epic cliffs are rendered adds substantially to the movie’s appeal.

Now, pretty landscapes are nice, but the fighting is where director Tarsem Singh really kills it. Editor’s Note: Alex Carter did not realize this was a pun. The intense gore of Immortals may not appeal to everyone, but if you like fight scenes, as I do, you will be happy. Also, it is worth noting that this movie is R-rated, so do not continue reading unless you are over the age of 17 or accompanied by an adult.

There are two kinds of fighting going on in this movie – fights with men and fights with gods. The human fighting is fast and desperate and very human-like. The fights that the gods get in are amazing. God-fights deserve a separate paragraph.

Frankly I wish that words were pictures so I could show you better, but I will do my best to describe this masterwork. The gods move very, very fast, so director Singh helps the audience out by slowing everything down when gods are involved, creating a dreamlike effect.

In one scene, Ares (Daniel Sharman) boots a Heraklian soldier into a wall, then engages his beastmode. He hammers all the other Heraklians directly in the head, causing their heads to shatter in slow motion. By the time his first victim has hit the wall, Ares has popped about a dozen Heraklian gourds. It was incredible.

In another scene, Zeus (Luke Evans) magically turns a pile of burning coals into a flaming whip, and with a single blow, ships another god through a stone wall. It has long been a dream of mine to see someone wield a flaming whip in a movie. I experienced great happiness.

In one of the final fight scenes, Athena (Isabel Lucas), the tender and delicate goddess, goes Vatican-assassin on one of the titans. She punts the thing into the air, and while it is airborne, she whips out some knives and stabs it into the ground. I wept openly.

I could talk for years about all the amazing aesthetic things that happen in this movie, but that would spoil the plot, make this DANGER ZONE especially long and boring and cause the movie to seem more awesome than it really is.

There are definitely some places where the movie crawls along at a snail’s pace. Those places are primarily associated with plot development. In all honesty, the plot kind of sucks. There is this oracle named Phaedra (Freida Pinto from Slumdog Millionaire) who is allegedly important to the storyline, but just seems to tag along. Other than a prolonged view of her derrière, we don’t even see much of her after the midway point in the movie.

Theseus doesn’t experience (or need) character development, because he knows what he wants throughout the entire movie, and never waivers from his warpath. The supporting characters don’t see much character development either, because they are pretty much just stereotypes that you can find in other adventure-style movies.

Let’s be real though. The lack of an engaging storyline is not a huge detriment to the movie. If this was some plot-driven thriller or an indie flick, it might be judged more harshly. But this motion picture is an unrepentant crowd-pleaser. I did not strain my brain trying to watch it. I just sat in a trance-like state as the pretty pictures flashed by. One time, though, my trance was broken when a dude’s testicles were crushed by a giant hammer. I am serious. That actually happened. Nonetheless, this was a joyous movie to watch.

Immortals is a freaking gorgeous movie. The action is intense and the gore flows freely, and that is all there is to it. So leave your red wine, your beret and your fancy cheeses at home, you snobs. Check your inner critic at the door. But bring lots of testosterone; you will need that.

Mmmkay, I am out.