The Paly Voice received this tongue-and-cheek article concerning the upcoming Paly intrasquad swim meet this Saturday.
Infamous rivalry, ruthless competition, and an intense battle for bragging rights, all hallmarks of Palo Alto High School’s annual Green and White swim meet, will likely erupt this Saturday for possibly the last time on the deck of the old Paly pool. The high stakes skirmish pinning teammate against teammate is expected to draw an unusually large crowd of parents, alumni, and Harvard-wannabe assistant coaches, coming from all corners of Palo Alto to see the amazing, edge-of-your-seat events of the day unfold.
In what promises to be hours of pointlessly divisive enmity, teams led by each of the four captains will battle for literally two or three hours in pursuit of triumph. Competition will begin at 10 am and last either until one team is named victor or approximately one o’clock.
Men’s Green captain, senior Alec Goldfield, who allegedly has been training in high altitude and drinking ten to fifteen gallons of Gatorade a day in preparation for the event, had little to say about the competition, instead choosing to grunt and dance hysterically in excitement. Girls’ Captain, Remy Champion, on the other hand, could only respond with laughter when her opponent, fellow captain Brittany Webster’s name was mentioned
Recently hired swim coach Danny Dye, who has promised his newly purchased Lamborghini to the captain of Saturday’s winning team, chose not to comment on the especially high prediction of carnage, saying only that the meet should be especially fast this year thanks to the professional masseuse and world class catering that he hired at his own expense.
"I really think that this year will be lots of fun," Dye says from his 13,000 square foot mansion in Los Altos Hills. "I expect a fair, clean, and enjoyable competition for all ages."
While it is probably important to note that Dye is slightly out of touch with the competition’s true nature, his slightly delusional comments are duly noted.
Adding his thoughts to Dye’s, Assistant coach in charge of team moral and wasting valuable pool space (a.k.a. the happiness fairy) Princeton graduate Jeff Peterson says that "this Saturday will be the greatest competition ever!" When asked why he matriculated at Princeton rather than Harvard University, Peterson could only glance angrily. According to the 2005 U.S. and World report, Princeton, incidentally, is ranked second behind Harvard University. At the time of the interview, Peterson was shaking a martini while playing tennis in a freshly ironed sweater vest and making wild claims of the quality of his education.
While teams have yet to be announced, teammates are wildly anticipating the coming competition.
"I’m totally, like, way excited," says junior Becky Wenzlau.
"Yeah, it should be just like when I lived in the ‘hood’" sophomore Leland Takamine added.
"[Something incomprehensible in Portuguese]" says junior Brazilian immigrant Edward Morrison.
Amidst the competition, name calling, and occasional fits of hysteria, the Paly swim team will for the first time race as teammates, though divided in half. Regardless of how Saturday’s events transpire the Green and White meet promises a fun and exciting start to a great Paly swim season.