Max Cohen

Paly graduate Amir Shahhosseini reflects on the death of his best friend, Ben Tachibana, who died by suicide in 2003. “By taking his own life, he was sort of taking a life away from other people,” Shahhosseini says.

Stomach aches. Insomnia. Crying.

Depression.

It was February, and graduation was only a few months away for Julia Tachibana, Palo Alto High School alumna from 2005.

What am I going to do with the rest of my life, she thought. Julia’s classmates at the University of California, Davis, all seemed to have set post-graduation plans: medical school, travel abroad, community service. But to Julia, the future loomed overhead.

Bleak. Empty. Unknown.

Slowly, Julia felt herself stumbling back into depression. She went to an InterVarsity Christian Fellowship gathering, hoping to find solace, but she left still feeling sad and alone. Then, as she drove her friend home from the meeting, all of Julia’s insecurities started coming to surface. As she divulged her worries, thoughts of suicides rose in her mind. It seemed like the easiest way out, the easiest way to relieve her pain.

But then, she remembered Ben.

Ben — the boy who loved to play basketball and go to Jack in the Box.

Ben — the boy who always had a smile on his face.

Ben — her younger brother, a Paly sophomore, who died by suicide in 2003.

As Julia talked with her friend about her past and her present worries, and as images of Ben flew through her head, she realized that talking was exactly the type of therapy that she needed. Julia knew that she had to go back to a counselor, but felt weak for needing help. She held the phone in her hand, debating whether to dial the phone number of her counselor, the person who could guide her through her problems. Slowly, Julia punched each of the seven numbers and did what she later said was the bravest thing to do: She went back to therapy.

“It was really hard for me to go back,” Julia says. “I waited too long because I had already received so much help that I didn’t want to go through it again. I felt like I wasn’t being strong enough, but now I know that going back to counseling was the best decision I ever made.”

As Julia continued meeting with her counselor, she realized that suicide is not the inevitable end to depression. Things will get better; Julia just wishes that her brother had known this. She also learned this from her experience after Ben’s death.

“Sometimes I’m scared that suicide runs in my veins, and I’m scared that I would do it some day,” Julia says. “But what keeps me from doing it are the images that surrounded me after my brother’s death. And now that I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that there are so many things that I want to do, and I have to be alive if I want to accomplish them.”

Throughout high school, Julia had struggled with feelings of depression and loneliness similar to the ones she felt again three months ago. Sometimes she felt that she could not handle the struggles in her life anymore.

And then, on Nov. 14, 2003, her brother, Ben Tachibana, killed himself.

Ben was one of the 33,300 Americans who die by suicide every year, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, suicide is the third leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 24, and the fourth leading cause of death for children between 10 and 14, children like Ben. While these numbers demonstrate the prevalence of suicide across the country, behind these numbers are the mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters — like Julia — and whole communities — like Paly — deeply affected by each of these suicides, who must grapple with the questions that many have after a suicide occurs: Why did they do it? Who could have stopped it? How can future suicides be prevented?

These questions permeated the Palo Alto community after Ben’s suicide, especially because another Paly student, Steven Wertheimer, killed himself a mere 13 months prior to Ben’s death. Then, in 2009, five students with ties to Gunn High School died by suicide, prompting many discussions in the community as to how to talk about suicides and raise awareness of mental illness. Fears of “copycat” suicides and glorifying suicides have made people wary of discussing them. However, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and several other suicide prevention organizations, believe that talking about the seriousness of mental illnesses can help eradicate the stigma surrounding the topics of mental illnesses and suicides.

Seven years after her brother’s death, Julia still struggles with the pain of her loss and her own cycles of depression. However, she says that Ben’s death has taught her to have the courage to live and to speak out for mental health awareness. Julia stands as part of the growing army of anti-suicide activists who have used their personal experiences with suicide victims to gain a new understanding of mental health; these activists now have a new agenda to hopefully prevent future suicides.

Battling Depression

Because Julia reached out for therapy when she needed it, she saved herself from digging herself into an even deeper hole of insecurities and depression. Several organizations, including the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, emphasize the importance of identifying signs of depression and seeking help immediately for mental illness. Mary Ojakian, a Palo Alto resident, is on the local board of this organization, and Vic, her husband and former Palo Alto mayor, is on the Santa Clara Country board of the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Their son, a former Paly student, Adam Ojakian, died by suicide in 2004 while attending the University of California, Davis.

After his death, Mary and Vic decided to join several suicide prevention organizations to contribute to the fight against suicides, and the fight for openly discussing mental illnesses. The couple was even featured on a National Public Radio segment in 2009 about mental health programs in colleges.

Mary has adamantly worked for these suicide prevention organizations in the years since her son’s death, which helps her cope with the tragedy of Adam’s suicide.

“I need to do suicide prevention work,” Mary says. “It’s my way of being in the world.”

The Ojakians stress the importance of speaking out about mental illness and getting help when one needs it. They did not recognize any signs of depression in Adam, but looking back, they realize why they missed the signs and hope that others will recognize signs of depression in themselves and in others on time.

“If your leg or arm hurts, you’ll check if it’s OK,” Vic says. “But if you have mental or emotional pain, it’s difficult to seek help. We need to overcome the stigma around mental illnesses, including depression. If you have something that’s hurting, you have to get it checked.”

Resources for Paly Students

The Paly guidance office currently provides many resources for students who need to talk to someone, or who have a friend who needs help.

“We’re trying to encourage students to let adults know if they are concerned over a friend,” Paly guidance counselor Susan Shultz says. “This has happened more now after the suicides at Gunn.”

Paly also provides counseling through Adolescent Counseling Services, an organization that provides on-campus, no-cost counseling to students and their families. ACS offers this counseling at all four Palo Alto secondary schools. The ACS number is provided on the back of every student’s identification card.

Initially, Julia thought that she was weak for needing therapy. Many students may have this feeling, but Mary says that students must realize that mental treatments for the brain are just as important as physical therapy for the body.

“Research on cognitive behavior therapy — talk treatment — shows that this treatment creates the same physical changes in the brain that medicine creates,” Mary says. “But in our culture, we don’t understand that yet, since this is a new field of study.”

Ben’s Story

On the evening of Nov. 14, 2003, Amir Shahhosseini was at Borders in downtown Palo Alto with a friend when Julia called him, asking whether he had seen Ben. Shahhosseini assumed that Ben was probably at the YMCA, playing basketball, as this was one of Ben’s favorite pastimes. Shahhosseini did not think too much about the phone call until Julia called him again around 11 p.m., asking again whether he had seen Ben. Shahhosseini thought that it was a little strange that Julia still could not reach Ben, and said he hadn’t heard from him.

Then later on that night, Shahhosseini heard that someone had died by a train.

What if it was Ben?, Shahhosseini thought to himself. No — it couldn’t be.

And then, Julia confirmed his fears.

“I was shocked,” Shahhosseini says, remembering the night he found out that one of his best friends had died by suicide. “I wish I could’ve done anything to see the signs that something was wrong.”

Many families and friends of those who die by suicide feel the same shock that Shahhosseini felt, wondering whether they could have seen the signs. According to Mary, 86 percent of families of those who die by suicide did not know that their loved one had a mental illness.

Shahhosseini, who is now a senior at the California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo, remembers the shock and sadness that permeated the Paly community after Ben’s death was publicized.

“People were really worried,” Shahhosseini says. “It was really hard to get to class, and I was just really down.”

As Julia reflects on Ben’s suicide, she remembers seeing some signs that Ben was not feeling right.

“One time I came after school to see Ben, and he was on his bed and it was weird because it was 3 p.m.,” Julia says. “I asked Ben what was wrong, sat for 30 minutes, and asked him again. He felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone, to the point where he couldn’t utter a word. One tear came out of his eye, and at that moment, I knew it was a big deal.”

However, due to several private family issues, Julia did not feel she had access to help she could get for her brother.

“My family was so broken itself I don’t think we had the energy and the means to get resources,” Julia says. “I couldn’t fully be there for my brother. I did try though to be the person who he could talk to. Given the circumstances, we did the best we could.”

Mary emphasizes that Julia’s situation demonstrates the importance of all individuals learning to recognize when a friend is in distress and then getting them the help they need. Like Ben, they might be unable to get help themselves, and need someone to connect them with a trusted adult.

Paly Responds

As the Paly community grieved, the administration brought in outside resources and made many counselors available to talk with students affected by Ben’s death, or who felt that they might be suicidal. According to Shultz, a grief counseling organization called KARA and middle school counselors came to Paly to support the students.

Shahhosseini remembers that the school really reached out to the student body, especially to Ben’s friends, to offer support for those who needed it. He remembers people frequently checking in on him to see if he was OK.

“Paly had a lot of people there for me, and I really appreciated having this resource,” Shahhosseini says.

Julia also fondly remembers how caring everyone in the Paly community was for her and her family.

“I remember going home and listening to the voicemails, and there were 100 messages, so many cards in the mailbox, and all of this food in the house,” Julia says. “I look through some of the letters I got from time to time, especially around the anniversary of my brother’s death, and I realize how loved he really was.”

Flash Forward to 2010 : What Paly Has Learned

A suicide brings sadness and devastation into a community. However, it can also awaken a community to a need for talking about mental illness. Shultz believes that after Ben’s suicide, some positive effects were noticeable in the guidance office.

“The guidance counselors are now all more aware, and looking closer than before,” Shultz says. “I feel like the more we talk about [mental illness], the more de-stigmitized it becomes.”

According to Shultz, after the recent suicides at Gunn, the district discussed with several suicide experts how to best handle a suicide, or a suicide contagion. To contain suicides, the district decided not to reveal specific details that could glorify a suicide because these details are not necessarily what people need to hear, according to Shultz.

“After several suicides, the district tends to not talk because they want to contain a contagion,” Shultz says. “At a certain point, you’re concerned that a suicide is magnified, which is a huge concern of mine with the media.”

The school district has also thought of other ways to raise awareness of mental illness and prevent suicides. In early April, the district received a $50,000 grant from the federal government to establish more mental health services for its students. According to the U.S. Department of Education, Palo Alto was among three school districts to receive Project School Emergency Response to Violence grants. In early May, guidance counselors, psychologists, nurses and a few administrators, all from the district, participated in a QPR workshop. QPR — Question, Persuade and Refer — is a method used to identify and get help for someone who is thinking of suicide.

“The workshop taught people how to ask pointed questions about how students are feeling in different situations,” Shultz says. “It was good training for teachers, because we need to be able to ask these questions.”

Shultz says that the workshop was an important step that was taken to educate adults in the district on how to watch for signs that a student may be suicidal.

“The workshop was meant to create gatekeepers, who can train other people on QPR,” Shultz says. “The training was like CPR: you hope that you know how to do it when you need to.”

Mary is part of the Santa Clara County Suicide Prevention Advisory Committee, which is developing a suicide prevention plan that will incorporate QPR.

“When we’re concerned, we need to ask someone if they’re thinking about killing themselves, and this will make the subject OK to talk about,” Mary says. “Everyone needs to learn QPR, just like everyone needs to learn CPR.”

New Beginnings

Like other anti-suicide activists, Shahhosseini has tried to turn Ben’s death into a positive experience by educating others on mental health. During Cal Poly pre-orientation week, the students discuss mental health with incoming freshmen.

“I brought up my personal experience,” Shahhosseini says. “It was beneficial to educate people, and it was making my experience into something semi-positive in order to help others, and hopefully prevent it [a suicide] from happening again.”

Along with Shahhosseini, Julia has also looked for ways to contribute to the fight against suicide. A few months ago, after hearing about the suicides that happened at Gunn, Julia researched some suicide prevention organizations and found Mary’s name. She contacted Mary and asked her how she could get involved in mental health programs and help raise awareness of mental illnesses at UC Davis.

“I think that we can make a positive impact together,” Julia says. “I would love to work more with her and to just continue this dialogue. Before action comes dialogue and the sharing of our stories.”

The AFSP cites various steps to help prevent a suicide: Take it seriously, be prepared to listen, seek professional help, and follow up on treatment.

“Ben will never be able to experience college, never see me graduate, and never be a part of my life again,” Julia says. “It’s really such a sad thing. I think that people forget that the world does move on after something bad. You have to stop and say, ‘Do I want to be a part of the world?’ And when you think long enough, the answer is yes. I identify so strongly with those hard times that people have and will have, but you have to reach out for help.” v

Editor's note: This story had an inaccuracy when published, and this online version of the story reflects the change.